7mm Confessions

That night we ran
To a house nearby
Wet and cold we tried
Why must it rain tonight?

we slipped inside
in this still old house
Silent tales etched its walls
Should it add something tonight?

Don’t be scared with creaking stairs
As long as there is rain
No one should hear us
Why must it rain tonight?

Like ghosts we floated to a room
Not quite knowing why
Not quite knowing how
Why must this heart beat so wild?

With your glossy skin
Like 10 million pinlights
You lit up this room so bright
Why must you glow in the dark?

And in that room
While the rain pelted the roof
The wind howled on and on
Is there an end to this rain?

A leak through the roof
Made its way through your forehead
Through it I thought I saw stars
Did I miss the tears?

The rain is gone
We rose like mushrooms
Bid farewell to this still old house
Oh why did it rain tonight?

Lets run away just for tonight
Meet me at your father’s doorstep
And shower me with overdue kisses
hid beneath the stars ‘neath the santol tree
and thru the chasing, taunting leaves
lets laugh at the moons prying eyes
For you have been away ,away for too long

Show me, thrill me, feel me, tell me,
with your travails across the sea
tell me what you like but dont
cry for the truth you made, i wont.
For in this journey we started
Bad might be good, good might be bad
Tell me your story tonight and I mine
For you have been away, away for too long

Let’s believe for the best
and our tight embrace erase all distance
Fill to overflowing the love you see
For there can never be as great as this
My love is yours, your love is mine
Come lets bask forever in the glow
Embrace, kiss, feel me once more ‘til midnight
And lets head back to your fathers’
doorstep before were missed
il be here again for more tomorrows
for you have been away, away for too long

Contagious as the morning east is the search
Of valleys and hills where sunflowers bloom
Narrowly look at the lines carefully I’ve penned
In the corner of your eyes you might find soon
Every letter of a name defined
Motionless as a lake at times yet you animate things with a look
On a sun bathe stone pavers path you walk alone and yet not alone
Neverland is a maze of untold tales yet it cant begin to describe
The tale conscious as the Gemini twins that is you and at the
End of these lines I hope you will find my love even
Just a glimpse of the name that sets me up like wildfire
On every 6th of the month and the following days thereafter.

your beauty is to me

countless moons converged

from galaxies light years apart

bathing sea-foamed shores

where darkened horizons are recreated

by either stars or lamplights

looking into your eyes

is like watching a falling star

silent and brief yet

they speak in volumes

like Alibuag spring bifurcating rivers

of stories of heaven on earth

your lips, they make me immortal

how exquisite the pain they bring

they remind me of mangosteens

and their fragrance on a Friday evening

oh, let me drink from them forevermore!

you are by far more enchanting

than mantianak tree park at 6pm

you put to shame the flowers and cogon grass

as you walk passed them

the serenades in my heart

will play on forever and a day

for such is your beauty to me

but most importantly the love

we share and hope to see

30 years from now!

They’ve been talking mostly of trivial things for an hour now. Each knowing what really mattered talking about but could not quite find the right timing, who should start and where to start. It was a windy night at alibuag beach. The waves crashed just a few feet from where they sat. Somewhere beyond the wide expanse of the sea a storm was raging.

They walked at the shore towards the spring. As she stood at the top of the pool a wind caught her hair across her face. She brushed it back and hugged his jacket around her tight. He was glad he brought his jacket yet he silently cursed at how unprepared he was. He should have come earlier and instructed Bagdong, the caretaker, to at least turn all of the beach lights on and prepared a sit for them. What will her father think? Now, only the moon dimly illumined the beach and somehow he will have to find a spot for both of them to sit on. She made quick steps to avoid the incoming waves crashing on to the side of the pool. Light as the wind she did it. He followed her with a little bit off timing just in time as the waves crashed on the side of the pool. His shoes meets the sea for the first time. He wore shoes at the beach. He closed his eyes again at that thought. Carefully she went down inside the pool and watch the spring water gently pour out at the base of the outcrop.

“This spring is enchanted” He finally managed to speak. She smiled, “really? ”He pointed at the spring, “ a long time ago this used to be deep, a cow could fit in”. She smiled again not knowing if she should believe or not. Suddenly a strong wind came in. The bamboo lamp post made an eerie sound as it swayed with the wind. They looked up at it and then at each other. “We should head back”. She climb ahead and he followed her through the outcrop and down at the shore again were they sat.

They were silent again. And its taking a little longer each time before they could a find something to talk about. He stood and watched the night sky ahead. There were no bangkas tonight. No lamplights to recreate the darkened horizon. But their were stars and right behind them a new moon shone brightly. She stood beside him. Momentarily, a falling star blazed a trail at the sky. Both surprised, he quickly made a wish silently and looked at her. He watched her close her eyes. “What did you wish for?” He asked. “Nothing. It’s a secret.” She looked at him and smiled. The moonbeam played with the shadows on her face while the wind played softly on her hair.

“What do I mean to you?” He finally said it. She looked down at the sand and brushed it with her foot. “I’m sorry”, She continued brushing at the sand. “You and me, what would people say?”,She continued without looking up. He looked at her, “What would people say?”

Somewhere the wind hauled like a storm is coming. He couldn’t read her. That was the problem. They where both standing facing the sea. That night, only she knows how it should end. She sensed him, ”No. It’s not like that. I have feelings for you”. There she said it. And they were back again at square one. “…Then what’s wrong?” He added.

He looked down at the sand while brushing it with his shoes. He went down and wrote something on it with his fingers. He looked up at her smiling. She read it and smiled back,“Don’t know if I should believe you”. The waves crashed again and again at the rocks and on to the sands. It was like that for millions of years. It was beautiful how the way things are.

“I should be writing something too”, she teased him. “Help me find a stick to write”. He found a dead root of a Talisay tree nearby. He snapped it and gave it to her. “Now, you should go away while I write what I have to say, please”. He gave a puzzled look for a moment but backed away without questioning.
For a long time he stood staring at the sea a few feet from her. She kept writing and erasing something until finally she stood and went to where he was. “You can look now”, she was serious. He managed just to walk towards it.

He just sat there looking at what she wrote. No expressions on his face. She went beside him, “ what’s wrong?”, she searched his face. “I couldn’t read what you wrote”, he lied. “step aside let me see it”. He moved away. “ Perhaps I didn’t wrote it well”. She studied what she wrote and when she looked up, he was walking towards her smiling. She smiled too and stood to meet him. He came beside her. They were never this close. Slowly he slid his arms around her waist and she came close to him. Together they faced the sea and the sky. It was a windy night at alibuag beach and the waves crashed a few feet from them and somewhere beyond the vast expanse of the sea a storm has subsided.

he walked slow. you might blame it on his age but on closer inspection he's just really tired. a man looking worn at the end of a days work. his last day at the office. he had his despeda party the day before and it was his birthday. He stood at the side of the street waiting for a motorsikad and at 10am their wasnt a soul on J.P Rizal Street.

he carried along with him some of his belongings accumulated 25 years of government service. a few folders and brown envelopes tied in straw, he held it in his left hand while his right delicately holding a 4-puff-old cigarette. head held up high, he drag long at it and slowly exhaled. relieved perhaps?

a few puffs later an abomination appeared in a form of a motorsikad on the street. he hailed it. got on it. and he was gone.

so thats how you exit after 25 years of government service? no fireworks, no trumpets, no shakehands, no pat on the shoulder? i was watching the whole scene at my office window. im still 30 but i just couldnt let it go in my mind. a lump furiously swelled inside my throat and i was angry. i couldnt help it. couldnt quite explain it.

enough. iv seen enough of the future and i dont like it. its time to roll.

by the way, the man is a good friend of mine. shared service with him for almost 7 years... and he has a lovely daughter.

it was 6 days of oblivion. the realization that i was way off track with who i am hit me like an arrow through my head. what was i thinking back then? a month ago i was hooked to something that i wasnt supposed to. i have always prided myself with great self restraint but at that moment it felt so right. broken and stressed out to the point of insanity, i was in a defenseless state. a perfect time for giving in to self abuse.

it was out of curiosity mostly that it started. i was awed by the effect it does to your mind. psychoactive they call it. by going within plus it is a mind blowing experience. everything is in slowmotion. time seems to stop. you could hear every litte noise with great precision capturing every little note and rythm. see everything in detail sooo clear you think you have the gift to do just that. little did i know it has a nasty effect in your short term memory. i know. i have suffered the consequences.

somehow the heavens above interceeded. sent a wonderful message in the form of your friends. im glad i was able to stop from completely annihilating myself. i wasnt that hooked afterall. im sobber now. i was able to divert my energy to blogging.

for what its worth, id still say: respect for the plant and respect for that divine part of you.

positive vibration rules! reminds me of what bob marley used to say: "...dont worry about a thing..cause every little thing is gonna be alright.."

…who happens to be living with his grandma (message to followers: ssshh..dont tell anybody).Ow.I was drunk again last night. I have this nasty habit of turning my back on my promise pinups on the wall right beside Megan Fox. Those voluptuous curves…maybe I should tear down Megan fox’s poster and leave the pinups? Sure. That’s easy. The trick is to turn your face away from Megan while you’re doing it.So on to the wall, I grabbed the edge of the poster facing sideways. As I was about to pull when strains from Air Supply started to play..lonely is the night when im not with you.. ‘til you’re not here by my side there’s no light shining through..altogether now… lonely is the nigghht… arrgh! Where in the neurotic, psychedelic mind did that strain came from? I could swear Megan winked at me. Hangover? No. I just can’t do it. She’s a devil. Quote from the film The Crying Game:”..i can’t help it , it’s in ma ney cha!”.

What this intro has to do with what I’m trying to lead you in to has nothing to do with it. The real story begins here. So set back, bear with me as I unweave this tangled tale of:…the aliens who fried my brain.

One night I was walking home from my boss’s house. Trudging along J.P Rizal street at 9pm is a real treat. You get to meet cows, chickens, crickets and if you’re lucky- get chased by dogs who from my boss’s mouth the ones that didn’t caught the “virus”. No human beings can be seen walking this street at this hour except when you got no gas for your ride and your cellphone got stolen by an uncouth fellow who sat beside you on a jeepney and your woman just dumped you for no reason except to tell you that she’s changed (amazing how they still wanna be friends with you after they ripped your guts out..but that’s another story). You walk. When I was near the church I was in these train of thoughts when a sudden gust of wind and tube of light blinded me. A few seconds took me to realize that the light was coming from a floating disk right above me. Frantically I started calling saints. “Grandpa is that you?” No.I wasn’t wimpering. “Please don’t kill me I swear I didn’t stole those knee caps at the cemetery”. At this point I pissed on my pants. Then suddenly I was helplessly being pulled straight up right into that thing. I passed out.

When I came to I was lying on a pool of drool on some metallic floor. I couldn’t move.I was hooked with some wires and tubes and realized I’ve been abducted by aliens. A voice came thru my head, “Why did you stopped drinking?”.Of course, they’re speaking through telepathy. “Drink, Drink, Drink” they pressed on. I wanted to laugh but could only manage a cough. Suddenly clips of ABS-CBN after dinner soap operas flashed on a big screen ( to telecasters: Im sorry, Im sorry). Oh, no. Not that. Please stop. A child talking to a man in white robes posing as God – May Bukas Pa flashed on the screen. Oh please. I could imagine my grandma teary eyed while watching it. Then it went on to the next soap Only You. My head was sizzling. When will these images stop? My nose was already bleeding. Please..no more. Then the clips went off. Thank God. Then it came on again. Finally the last soap flashed Tayong Dalawa with the immortal – “bok walang talo talo”..arrgh! okey, okey. I will do anything you want just please stop. Pleaaase.

The next morning my grandma found me in my room in state of shock . I was gibberish and frothing at the mouth with beer bottles and coagulated puke beside me. Can you blame me? Come on, they were going to torture me for hours. So you say, “real story?”. Ha ha ha ha.

I’m bored to the bones. I mean I’m not just bored as in bored that could be treated with a high dose of calorie food and a movie. Sometimes I think this is catatonia or something. Friends help. They could . They’re the most interesting and special people in the whole world. But let’s face it we are growing apart. The things like young adult angst, video game fever, porn watching days that got you together are over (not that I don’t watch porn anymore…sometimes). You are leading an adult life with bigger realities to contend with. It’s like I’m stock in this parallel universe. In other universe people are going about their lives as fast as the speed of light. While in my world I’m stock here in my grandma’s house with her watching soap operas.

Get me out of here.

Like falling from a skyscraper and reaching terminal velocity you keep falling and falling and falling until finally you crash into your bed. You wake up suddenly. Your eyelids fly open. Blinding sunlight assail your eyeballs and then bouncing off the white curtains reveling tiny specks of dust floating. You try to focus and you don’t remember a thing after you puked again the night before. Flashes of people and someone helping you walk forced themselves inside your head. All grainy. After that…nothing. You cant recall anything. A sinking feeling hits you like your caught unprepared on a final exam. You want to go back to sleep but you cant. It’s too late your brain is already wide awake to the few gazillions of deadlines that has been constantly bombarding you. A sudden tide of headache starts to swell from the back of your left eyeball way up the frontal lobe.And as much as you want to go fast,your eyes could only wade slowly as with the tiny specks of dust floating by and then finally resting at the bedside clock. What the bleep! It’s almost midday.Throwing away the sheets and wiping your drool on your cheek, you haul your carcass up assuming what is known to the humans as a vertical position.

You start to walk but you cant seem to make the first step. Your feet starts to move but each step is just too heavy. You walk the walk of the living dead .Like Frankenstein you need a jolt of electricity. And until you had your fix of caffeine you wont resemble anything human for the rest of the day. A year later you reach the kitchen and prepare your coffee. You hear orange and lemons playing “..and this angel has flown away from me…” So 2007. You don’t give a puke, you just need your brew. With the first sip comes clarity or so it seems.

After you have taken your bath, the first complication begins yet again– what will you wear? You look at your wardrobe in disarray and start picking combinations. It starts slow and gradually with great effort and sweat you desecrate your wardrobe and when your finally so pissed off ,you settle for a t-shirt and a jean you wore for the last 4 days.

You walk towards the front door. As you float by the mirror, you have a feeling that this isn’t you and you are not in your real body. Your are in someone else’s body…or something else’s. You re-traced your steps and you look at yourself in the mirror…you see yourself. You slam the door shut as you step outside just in time for the breeze. Mahogany leaves falling, birds chirping and flying by beneath clear blue skies and the quite J.P. Rizal Street. Beautiful trees you finally croaked. But watch out for the falling seeds. Falling at 9.81m/sec² they’l do better in putting away your headache for good than your fix.

Just when you are about to enter your office your assistant meets you halfway and say, “the mayor wants you upstairs an hour ago”. You force a smile and head for the stairs. You glance at your watch. It’s still 9am. This is the problem about being human – you gotta keep on living.

This is something new to me. I’ve always wanted to write but writing don’t come easy. A friend of mine introduced me to blogging a week ago. He said this is a sort of a self expression kinda thing and perhaps it could somehow get me hooked instead of… well… hooked to something else...less desirable. He was right. And it took me a couple of days to finally write down what I have to say. I mean thinking of the blog title was tough enough of which I thought at first was rather easy but it wasn’t. Man do I feel sheepish.

So … “ 7mm Confessions” it is. Don’t ask. I really don’t know how to explain this. Its really rather a “won’t explain it ” than a “don’t know how to explain it” kinda thing. It’s just too awkward for me to tell how I got the title - and this is supposed to be confessions. Really . I don’t know, it just came as an inspired thought. Anyway, bear with me on this.